Terms of Endearment

wow…I believe my last posting started something like…time flies by really quick…and indeed…time has flown by real fast…once again! I’ve not posted anything on here for almost a year now…I think? seriously though…I have not had any time to update any of these "social gadgets" lately…and yet I’m like signing up for every one of these ‘programs’ that I actually received an invitation to join. And I do believe I’ve transitioned more towards Facebook though

Having said that though…this is gonna be 3rd year here in the US…and I have transitioned a whole lot…both culturally and mentally. I am finding it harder and harder to remember things from Sibu that I used to be able to remember like in an instant…ppl’s names…birthdays…age…Malay words (lol…)…food names….etc. I bet if I was to go back anytime soon…I would probably offend half of the people that I know from back home…bcuz I will probably not remember their names, or worse…I might not remember who they are! Hahahaha…that’ll be a good excuse though…esp. if I didn’t like the individual from the very beginning…LOL…just jk!

Having lived here for 3 yrs now has definitely broadened my views and perspective of life. To me the differences between cultures makes a big difference when it comes to the final outcome at the end of the day…half the time I find it amusing to try to relate how Malaysian culture works…and I receive either one of two responses…amazement…or disgust…LOL! The thing that amuses me the most…is the fact that the ang mo ppl cannot understand the corelation between asia…china…and chinese. To most of them…asia = china = chinese! China is basically asia to them…and any asian that they come across…is basically a Chinese person to them…haha! For me…being in a community of korean majority…it is always fun to watch them getting frustated when they are identified as a Chinese!

On the other hand, being a minority Asian (or chinese shall i say..) I am adapting more n’ more towards the Korean culture…and I actually prefer it over the chinese…no offense! I LOVE korean food…I find myself watching korean dramas/movies, and listening to korean music more than that of the chinese counterpart…LOL! Although…I’ve always had the desire to want to visit S. Korea one day…just listening to my kids describing how awesome their country is…makes me want to go more n’ more. Hopefully I can do it next summer…n’ perhaps never return…wahahahaha!!!

Sibu…I hardly ever hear that name around me anymore…n’ I guess it’s just because I have no reason to bring it up…or because the ppl around me haven’t a clue as to what or who or where that is. I admit that from time to time I do ponder on the good ol’ times that I had while I was still back home. But…time  has definitely brought many inevitable changes…both personally…and socially. Most of the people that I know are either scattered around the country…or am overseas by now. I’ve seen people change…and the people I once thought I knew…are no longer who they are. Several deaths have also occured since I left Sibu…most of which I wish I was able to be there for the final farewell.

I’ve been asked a lot lately this same question…"are you planning on coming back after you’re done?" And to be honest, I don’t know…not just yet. I am at this point of life where I’ve realised that whatever decision it is that I make…it’s gonna have a big impact on my future. And as I think about it from day to day…my only response is "God will show a way". He has a plan set for me…and I am willing to follow wherever He leads me.

I still stand firm to commit to my calling in youth ministry…and have been standing firm with it even now that I’m here. I have had the blessing of being involved in various other ministries, but I truly believe that if I have a calling…it is to work in the youth ministry. The WYS was truly a blessing and a great start for me…and initially leaving Sibu…I felt a heavy burden in my heart as I thought I was heading the wrong way. But God proved me wrong…because I was truly amazed to see the blessed growth of the WYS when I went back last year. All the dedicated adults who truly sees the importance of this ministry have stepped up by the numbers…and even youths who I would have never thought would be involved…were actually serving as committee members! Truly…it is only by the hands of God can such wonderful works be done!

While I left Sibu with a heavy heart, God was actually preparing for other opportunities for me here in the US. God opened the door for me to serve in the church that I am currently at…and I have truly been blessed by His works. It was indeed a challenge for me…as I was in a new environment…and a whole new culture…and being around people who viewed things in a totally different perspective. To be honest, I love Sibu youths…because they are truly so much EASIER to deal with…as compared to the bunch that I have right now ( I hope none of them uses friendster..lol)! It was so much easier to work with 150 sibu youths…than the 16 kids that I have now! Man…it is indeed a great challenge for me…but on the other hand…they too have their own uniqueness that I can learn from. God has definitely opened my eyes through the works in this ministry…both home and here.

LOL…I don’t really know what I’ve been writing on here anyways…all I know is that I’ve been typing for almost fifteen minutes now…but what the heck…at least now I can say that I’ve updated my blog…LOL…so don’t continue nagging me about it again…( u know who u r…lol).

Anyways…to everybody from back home…I miss u guys heaps…n’ hope to be able to meet up again soon…and in the mean time…may God continue to bless and watch over each and every one of you wherever you may be! My best regards to all of you…

Take care!

   darN…time flies by really fast…it felt like only not too long ago that I was back home in Sibu..and now it’s almost the end of the year. It has been a crazy semester…busy busy busy…no time for MYSELF…absolutely none…gosH! Have not written anything in here for a long time too…lol. Anywayzz…finally have some time to actually sit down and not worry about work or classes or my kids…just focus on plain ol’ me. Thanksgiving is coming up this Thursday…mmm…can’t wait for the feast…turkey…pumpkin pie…mashed potatoes…green bean caserole…stuffing….golly golly golly…my mouth is watering already :)~

   But anywayzzz…this semester has really taught me a lot….and made me think a lot too…especially on the value of life. Starting my internship at the clinic…I thought it would be a fun experience…but looking back at the past 14 weeks…I have learnt to appreciate myself for who I am a whole lot better. Stepping through those huge brown doors every morning brings you a totally different experience…and each day is a new beginning to life…as well as an end for some. A lot of times we take things for granted. Our health, our family, our beliefs, our values, and our religion. Too many a times we just brush things aside and think that we will conquer it tomorrow. We linger and enjoy life as if the world is never to end. And a lot of times, people are taken by surprise when the end comes to them. By then, when it dawns on them that their days are limited…only then do they realize that there are so many things that they want to do…wish that they could do…or regret not doing. While it is easy for me to point this out as a spectator…it is indeed a totally different perspective being that person. As I reflect on my life, I too realized that there are way too many things that I’ve been pushing aside to be done on a later date (…tomorrow…next month…when I start working…etc.).

   Yes…of course I don’t mean that I should be rushing into everything…but rather on things that really matter to you…like your faith…family…etc. Of course…some things are worth waiting…and SHOULD NOT be rushed into…I mean…just because now I know my life may end at any time…I decide to marry the next girl I see on the street. NOoooo…that’s not my point. Things like your faith…your family…things that actually have a value in your life…those things we should not procrastinate on. "naHhh…I’ll go to church when I’ve retired…I’ll concentrate on building up my wealth first"…what makes a person think that he will live that long? Maybe the next moment…a car could run him/her over and be killed instantly. What then about his salvation? He is condemned to hell for eternity. These past 14 weeks has indeed woken me up and slapped me with reality…that life is not for me to decide…but ultimately it lies in God’s hands. He decides if he wants me to stay on…or if He wants to snatch it away…there is no way of knowing when that day will come. A lot of times, people don’t realize the impact of death until one is hit with a traumatizing event or catastrophe…and only then do they start to fear death and what comes after that.

   Going back to my previous blog, the lady died knowing she would be going to Heaven. She had the salvation and the assurance of God. Sometimes I wonder, what if she had not been Christian? How would it have been for her then? At least, for those who die instantly, they are spared the agony of wondering what would happen to them…but a lot of times…people suffer a tremendous amount before they pass on. I guess the hardest part for me was to see the suffering endured by my patients who had terminal illnesses - cancer as an example. Old Mr. C has lung cancer and is at the terminal stage. His final diagnosis puts him at only 3 months to live. And when I saw him everyday, I could see the pain and anguish that he was going through - not only the physical pain (having 6 to 7 different tubes coming in and out of his body, tonnes of medication, radiation therapy, difficulty breathing, etc.), but also the emotional and spiritual pain of emptiness, regret and the fear of death. When you see someone like that every single day…and one morning when you walk through that door…and you see an empty bed on row 7, bed #8…the impact of it all is a mindblowing one. Often times, we are told to stay "emotionally-detached" from our patients…but in a situation like this…how can one not be affected? I could be the one lying there…going through the exact same situation. I find it a blessing in disguise…because I believe that God is trying to "wake me up"…and through this old man’s suffering…I too can make the right decisions.

   My dear friends and brothers n’ sisters in Christ…I pray that God will too open your eyes…and help you realize that life is meaningful. In this Thanksgiving season, I can only be thankful to God for all that He has done for me and I hope that you too can find that light of hope that brings meaning to your life. Live your life as if there is no tomorrow…because tomorrow is just another day that you could have lived today.

   May God bless each and every one of you. Have a blessed Thanksgiving!!

***Warning***…the contents of this blog may be disturbing to some people. Read at your own discretion.

Sorry ppl…but I just had to release this thought…it’s killing me~~. Do pray for me though, I’d really appreciate that. Thanks.

   Ever wonder what death is like? While I have experienced the death of several friends within the past 5 years, I have never encountered "death" itself literally until today. It was a devastating feeling…and just so indescribable. I felt the actual grip of "death" coming and snatching the life out of my patient, and there was nothing I could do but to stand there and be a spectator to this tragedy.

   Having known Mrs. H through her numerous visits to the clinic, and getting to talk to her personally…she just seemed like a really nice and Godly lady. Everything she ever said just made so much sense to me, or even the others around the clinic and sometimes she would be our healer instead…spiritually and mentally. Yet as she came crashing through the doors clutching her chest, gasping for air while seemingly agonizing in pain…all we could do was watch the clutches of "death" slowly sucking the life out of her. Of course, we tried all that we could to resuscitate her, but I could feel the looming of "death" in the room…just ready to clasp her soul and take it away. There was NOTHING that I could do.

   True…that people say when death is here, you have nowhere to hide. No matter how we tried to save her, when "death" is in the room…even the mightiest of doctors could not save her from the clutches of "death". Man…never before have I experienced this…yes…I have had friends who died…but I have never been there personally to see them being grasped by the hands of "death"…not that I ever hope to. But this experience is glued in my mind so hard…and knowing that I will experience more of this scenario in the near future, it somehow does not help in comforting me. Sometimes I just wonder if doctors/nurses will turn psycho over time…should this occur frequently in their lives? And sometimes…I just don’t understand why God created death…I mean…I know the explanations in the bible…but in a situation like this…one cannot help…but to wonder.

   Death…what is death? Where is death? Why is there death?

For a long time now I’ve been noticing this thing called "love" happening amongst my youths - both here in Sibu n’ in the US. Sometimes I wonder how valid this "love" is. I’m not condemning the love thing altogether…but looking around…I wonder if it’s worth it?

    Honestly, to say that you "love" someone at the age of 15 or 16…just somehow seems ridiculous to me. Once again, there are some out there who just might experience it then…but notice…SOME. At that age…one is just starting to discover what it means to be a teenager…some starting to discover their true selves…while some still hiding under the masks of "insecurity". Yet…in this jumble of confusion…somehow they think that they’ve found "love". Really?? I would like to put it more as a crush…or puppy love.

    I mean…honestly…look at the word "love". Love is not a thing for you and I to show off…to meddle around with…to simply throw it at one’s face. Indeed…it seems like a lot of us (myself at that age too)…tend to take love as an element of "arrogance". YES…it’s nice to feel the cuddle and warmth of someone in your arms…and to be able to go around school as this "couple"…but at the raw age of 16 or even 17…what is the basis of your love?? Many will answer…"first love mahhhh"….and more will add to that "first love always just to try mah…won’t marry one". OK…that sounds like a reasonable answer to most people…but then…once again what is the basis of that love? EVEN if it is their first love…where are you taking this love to? Are you going to be able to move it to the next level should this "love" become a reality??

    At that age…one is still thinking about finishing high school….getting through SPM…worrying about college and universities. Moreover…he is only approaching the forming years of a young adult…bordering teenhood at most times. Ultimately…the question to ask is…are you ready to take this feeling of "love" seriously? In the Y-generation…love has become something so casual….that one can love today…and hate tomorrow. LOVE is a sacred thing…which one should only delve into when the time is right. But in our modern society…love is splashed everywhere…from kids as young as 12 y.o. already claiming to have a bf/gf!! Golly…my only question to them is…how long are you going to culture this "love"…and maintaining it at the same level…stagnant?? 12 y.o. ….say u get married at 20 y.o.  …..8 years??!?! IMPOSSIBLE….

   It is important to understand that taking the word "love" and putting it into action takes a lot more than just hand holding…cuddling…enjoying each other’s company…kissing…making out…blah blah blah. It’s a question of commitment. Are you able to maintain this relationship? Where do you see yourself…and your partner in 2 years? Is the question of marriage even considerable in this relationship? Are you ready to support and build a family of your own? And most importantly…do you see yourself being with this person 10 years from now? All these are heavy and thought-provoking questions…which can easily take your breath away if you are 16 or 17. But in reality…that is what love is all about. If you answer "NO" to most of these questions…then PLEASE…leave "love" in the box until you are ready to take it and use it WISELY.

    And basically…these questions are answers to many questions that I’ve encountered with my kids. "why is he so cold with our relationship?" …"why is she so demanding?"…"he doesn’t think of us…it’s all about him everytime."…."she doesn’t understand my needs at all."….."we always have to go through arguments and fights before coming to a conclusion or decision."….and many many more. The only thing I can answer back…are with the questions that I’ve posed earlier….to them. They are barely finishing high school….each still looking at their future…not knowing what will happen….each still dependent on their parents to support them….and each barely being able to survive out in the world without feeling that they’re being "pinned to the corner". And yet…here they are…walking hand in hand…claiming to be a couple. How ridiculous is that???!? I don’t mean to be criticizing…or sniding at them…but rather…sympathizing with them…because our generation…has become such a corrupt one…especially in the realms of the thing called "love"…that unconsciously…we are increasing the population of the world and causing global warming at such high rates….

     And yet these are the same people that say,"Why China and India…don’t practice family planning (BIRTH CONTROL)…no wonder overpopulated…no wonder world climate changing."

    AHEM…all I can say is…EXAMINE YOUR OWN SELF FIRST…BEFORE COMMENTING AND JUDGING ON OTHERS.

   It’s almost the end of my vacation…and getting closer to the 10th of August….yesssssss…I’ll be on the long and dreaded journey back to Houston. This trip back to Sibu has indeed been an interesting one. OKAY…i’m not gonna lie…it’s been kinda boring actually…LOL. Partly cuz most of my friends are scattered around M’sia n’ da rest of da world…still attending that thing called "college". Nevertheless…I’ve had a good time back home…I didn’t really mind the boredom cuz I got to spend time with my family…and relatives. Something I did not do enough of in the past…hehe!

   But as the clock continues ticking…my heart grows heavier and heavier. When I was buying my ticket to come back…I thought…Aug. 10…too long gua…nothing to do ehhh…but nowwww…I wanna postpone my trip back….!! buT..darN…it’s too expensive to pay all da penalty for da ticket changes…argH! It’s frustrating…I don’t like this feeling…but it’s inevitable. The phrase "home is where the heart is"…just sounds so true right now…and I just wish that I did NOT have to go…hahahaa…i wish! Sibu has been fun this time around. I got to meet ppl…make amends (i hope i did)…and rekindle old memories. Time just seems to fly by really fast…and someone asked me just the other day, "are you planning on coming back to sibu anytime soon…or to work?"…errrrrrrrr….i was speechless for a moment…I had not given it that much of a thought…though my last reality check…reminded me that the profession that I’m headed for…requires for me to reside in the US permanently. I had never given it a long thinking b4 this…and suddenly this feeling of uneasiness dawned on me. Maybe…I do want to come back…maybe i do want to start a family here…maybe i don’t like the idea of staying in the US….permanently….and gazillion more questions rushed through my mind. But in the end….I pushed them all aside…and decided that…only God would know my future. I had nearly forgotten…that there is somebody more powerful…than i…me…myself…! God is in total control…so what’s the point of sitting there…worrying and pondering…and making myself all fidgetty…and downhearted…over something that i don’t even know its validity…it’s outcome. Hmph…sometimes…I think we as humans…tend to take things into our hands so much…and worry over things that need not be worried about…cuz after all..God is in-charge. I’m starting to learn this…especially when it comes to the Youth Worship. After all….I’m only back here for 3 months…what’s da point of worrying…and thinking so much…cuz it’s gonna go on…regardless if i’m here or not….rite?

     Hahaha…I can’t believe i’ve been writing so much…and i wonder how much of this has meaning…LOL. All i can say is…I surrender to God. I’ve had enough of "me, me, me"…cuz  being self-centered…leads to nothing but self-vanity…and eventually corruption of one’s own personality. Hmm…don’t u think?

     LOL…I forgot…I’ve been really curious with this particular ad in MSN n’ Friendster lately. See if y’all can identify to it…it says "Have you touched your chocolate today?" …hahahah! Got it? LOL…if not…lemme help ya out…it’ s LG’s latest phone…called the LG KG800…or better known as the chocolate phone. I was actually attracted to it…esp. the infrared touch pad on the front slide panel.

    I spent da past 2 weeks back in Sibu researching the phone almost every nite…like a madman…trying to stalk a poor ol’ lady…n’ just loved everything I saw/heard about it. It came out on May 30th at RM1499!! DarN expensive…M’sia govt. makan cukai again…LOL…so I looked around while I was in S’pore. I found this one place selling it at da cheapest price that I’ve found…(after asking around in 7 different places)…@ S$585…which is approx. RM1385 ++…darN…I gave in to my temptations…and whipped out my greens…n’ b4 long…"I’ve finally touched my chocolate today". Hahaha…

There’s my precious "chocolate"…thanx to my friend Atie…for da photo.

goLLy…it’s been 2 yrs. since I’ve been back in Sibu…and now that I’ve been back for about 3 weeks…I’m starting to get bored! ArgH!! Hahaha…I know it’s been a while since I’ve touched this bloggie…but…with finals and all the traveling back home…I’ve had neither the energy nor time to actually sit down and blog. Even if I tried to rack my brain for something…it was gonna be just plain ol’ rubbish.

     Anywayzz…I’ve been back for almost 3 weeks now…and Sibu…I should say…has not changed much at all. And the foochow ppl…has NOT changed at all. Still loud…rude…and gross as usual. My flight from Houston to KL was a peaceful and fun one…until I boarded the flight from KL to Sibu. It was like a recurring nightmare somewhere from the past. All these Foochow ppl. onboard…GEEZ…I knew everything from their family to what they bought at Petaling Street the night before. And this one guy…just had to talk about "passing gas" because of eating the Nasi Lemak sold by Air Asia…dude…that was freakin’ NASTY!

    Arriving in Sibu…my greatest fear came true…the nasty weather! I could not stand the humidity…LOL…what else to say the actual heat. I literally felt like a "puteri lilin" right then and there as I alighted from the aircraft. It was darN right hot…and it made u feel sticky all over..argH! LOL…but now…as I’m sitting here blogging…I don’t even have the fan turned on. How ironic is that?

    Things got better as I stepped into the ever familiar and ever-missed Wesley Methodist Church. I didn’t get up in time for the morning service (ahem ahem…jetlag)…but I did get to go to the Youth Service…which was my main interest. I was told that they were having a special service…cuz it was their first time holding at their bigger and better venue…Wei Kuok Hall. There was this grand procession…leading from the church’s chapel all the way there…it was amazing! According to one of the aunties…we actually had about 160 youths now! Amazing how God can work miracles if we set forth to follow His will! My return home was also actually a surprise…cuz nobody knew except my family…and Pak Tun. So walking into the service…I was "happy" to see shocked faces…hahah! But indeed…seeing familiar faces…and familiar grounds…just brings back that warm feeling of belonging. I finally felt I was at "home" in Sibu again.

   These past few weeks…have been OK. I’ve already been to a camp…well…actually…chaperoning kids at a camp…was in Singapore last week…and of course…being "dumped" with all sorta things to do for the youths…but of course…it is all in God’s glory. I have about 2 more months to go…we’ll see what adventures Sibu…or perhaps Malaysia…has for me. Oh ya…n’ to all my friends out there…gimme a hoot if you’re in Sibu yah! God bless…peace out~!

Huh…I’ve been searching on the internet for this game that I’ve played before…but I just can’t figure out the name…or the rules to it. Maybe someone can help me out with it. The game’s pretty simple…you get the group to form into a circle joining hands…and somehow u tangle them up and then the group is gonna have to figure out how to "untie" the knots without breaking the link by releasing their hands…or breaking the knot. Anyone knows how the game works? I guess…how it’s set up…like how do u "tangle" them up?

DarN it…I just realized today how horrible my BM has gotten. I couldn’t even figure out what the word "market" was!! HAHA…thanx to Kah Nie for helping me out there…lol…n’ to Flora for the great insult!!..lol jk jk. I guess it’s been 2 years now that I’ve not used my BM at all…n’ just this past weekend I met a family from Penang…n’ they decided that it would be fun to puzzle the ppl around us by speaking BM to each other…but nonetheless…I was pretty puzzled myself as I could barely interpret half of what they were saying!! Talk about embarassing…! All I can remember was…"Apa khabar? ….berapa lama berada di Amerika Syarikat?….keluarga…something something…tinggal di Penang…something something something…mana?" LOL…Malaysians reading this…don’t LAUGH! NOt funny hoh…LOL! Anywayzz…it took me quite a while to interpret each word…n’ phrase (phewww)…n’ by then I looked like a complete idiot…blank-faced n’ dumb-founded. Nevertheless…I still got to enjoy the food part…eating satay…n’ kari ayam…n’ my favorite…babi panggang…HAH! Oii…apa macam u ppl tengok-tengok my blog…dun sindir me arrr…I can perasan it u know…LOLLLL…laterz ppl

lol…just realized my BM getting worse…I couldn’t remember the word for market..!! HAHAHA…"pergi ke __________?" Oii…anyone back home…help me out plzzz!!! LOL…thanks I guess..